Turmoil

I have always had struggles of feeling God in my life and walking in His light, even though I have seen and felt Him move in powerful ways in my life. Yet, I still struggle! 
The colors in the painting all have very specific meaning as do the wild and disorganized brushstrokes. The cool blues and yellow represent God and His Goodness: happiness, the white is pureness although I don't know if it represents His or mine. The red and white together at the bottom of the heart is mingled in with the darkness that feels like it's surrounding my heart. As you can see, the Light is almost overshadowed and the Light is more outside of it. Sort of looks like my heart is being torn apart doesn't it?